After another extremely disappointing night, I have my greatest hope of getting off the base today. Now that it has become more likely that I’ll be leaving I can recall a post earlier during this deployment when I spoke about the people. The people are what make this job worth doing, not the people we save or the people back home but the people we work with. I remember talking about an age divide that kept our team from really growing close with one another and that being the reason why this deployment wasn’t the same as the other one.
The makeup of our team has changed significantly since then. I had the great honor of working with three people that I had been previously deployed with. They slowly rotated back as the others rotated to the spoke or back home. So during the final week of my time here it was like we had the dream team together again.
When asked by one of the guys whether I was excited about leaving (this was during my first attempt at leaving) and I told him “You know, sometimes I am, but other times I’m not. Honestly being out here is great, it’s like you get to hang out with your buddies all day and get paid for it.” He laughed in response.
I know now that this will definitely be my last time out. Because like a bad breakup it’s not the good times you remember during the relationship, it’s the bad ending that leaves that taste in your mouth and this break up has been pretty traumatic. Unlike Afghanistan, where I could almost come and go as I pleased, Iraq is like a clingy girl that doesn’t want to let go. Hopefully this time it will be the final chapter of this journey.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
2-Fer
Right now, given my situation, I’m a bit of a mess. Sometimes writing things down helps me to gather my thoughts and make more sense of them. My last post was more of an “I better put this in writing before I hurt someone” post, but this one will be an “I better get things into perspective” post. I’m sure if you read my blog you’re probably interested in me, so I’ll assume you have a general idea of what’s going on.
I have a need to control my situation and when I don’t feel like I have control I get extremely depressed and excessively stressed. This current situation is an example of me not having any control over what happens with my future.
My desire to control my future is only trumped by my strong aversion toward disappointing others. I hate when people go out of their way to help me and then have me turn around and fail them.
My friends went out of their way to help me in two ways. One of them planned a welcoming home party for me and invited people they realized I knew, but they didn’t know. They opened their home to complete strangers because they wanted to make a big deal of my return. I don’t remember the last time I was so excited for something.
Another friend went out of his way to put in a good word with his manager so that I’d get an interview. At first the hiring manager was going to throw my resume out of the pile because I was out of the country but was convinced not to. That manager had to go to a director to work out the logistics of getting me in for that interview.
My two worst fears, lack of control and failing others, are weighing heavily on my shoulders. I’m beginning to accept that my welcoming home party isn’t going to happen. I’ll not only have disappointed the organizers of the party, but those who were attending. The interview is just on the horizon and I’m not sure when I’ll be able to get off this base so I’ll probably miss that. I’ll not only have disappointed my friend but also the manager and probably the director.
This actually turned out to be less of an “I better get things into perspective” and more an “I’m kind of depressed now” post.
I have a need to control my situation and when I don’t feel like I have control I get extremely depressed and excessively stressed. This current situation is an example of me not having any control over what happens with my future.
My desire to control my future is only trumped by my strong aversion toward disappointing others. I hate when people go out of their way to help me and then have me turn around and fail them.
My friends went out of their way to help me in two ways. One of them planned a welcoming home party for me and invited people they realized I knew, but they didn’t know. They opened their home to complete strangers because they wanted to make a big deal of my return. I don’t remember the last time I was so excited for something.
Another friend went out of his way to put in a good word with his manager so that I’d get an interview. At first the hiring manager was going to throw my resume out of the pile because I was out of the country but was convinced not to. That manager had to go to a director to work out the logistics of getting me in for that interview.
My two worst fears, lack of control and failing others, are weighing heavily on my shoulders. I’m beginning to accept that my welcoming home party isn’t going to happen. I’ll not only have disappointed the organizers of the party, but those who were attending. The interview is just on the horizon and I’m not sure when I’ll be able to get off this base so I’ll probably miss that. I’ll not only have disappointed my friend but also the manager and probably the director.
This actually turned out to be less of an “I better get things into perspective” and more an “I’m kind of depressed now” post.
Plan B
Plan A, which was Plan B, is now Plan A and Plan B, which was Plan C, is now Plan B. Confused? Well at least you’re not stuck in Iraq with no idea when you’re leaving because not only does it seem like the military is working against you, so is Mother Nature. Allow me to expand on the past two days of life.
35 hours ago I woke up fully expecting to be sitting in Kuwait at this very moment waiting for my passport to return so I could go to my hotel and wait for my commercial flight out of the country. I passed on getting the military equivalent of a reservation because the flight we take is pretty empty leaving here and it’s usually not a problem to get on. Needless to say I was happy as a clam.
6 hours later I came into work to check the flights, which are released daily due to security reasons. The flight we normally take wasn’t there, the same flight that just a week ago someone took to get here! My heart sunk as I called the flight line to verify that what I was reading was correct. My hope only dwindled more after speaking with them and learning that it wasn’t a typo, but the flight really wasn’t coming. He suggested I check back later that evening to make sure nothing had changed.
11 hours ago I was driving over to the flight line to check on the flights again. To my great surprise I saw the flight I wanted to take, the golden egg! I spoke with one of the soldiers and was told to come back in 5 hours. It was the best news I had gotten so far! I was happy as a clam again.
5 hours later I sat in the terminal, listening to my iPod, so excited that things were working out. Then one of the soldiers came out to update the Weather Status, which was green. He pulled the green indicator down and put up a red indicator. My hope faded fast as he walked off. I got up and walked outside, sure enough visibility was very low. My heart sunk more.
After sitting in the terminal for 3 hours waiting for the flight, one of the soldiers walked out and gave us the worst news any of us could ever want to hear. The flight was cancelled. For the next 20 minutes I stood there, staring at the flight schedule, hoping that something would change. I was distraught, I paced around a bit and finally broke down and tried to call our site for a ride. No one answered, so to add insult to injury I walked two miles with my bags back. This helped to tire me out, otherwise I’m sure I’d have been in some sort of rage.
Now I’m sitting here, still not sure what happened, trying to figure out how to feel or what to think. I can feel the anger bubbling within me with the complete lack of control over my situation acting as a catalyst to further stoke the fire. Plan A is to attempt to get out tomorrow, but that’s a slim hope and if I do get out tomorrow getting on my scheduled flight will also be a slim hope. I need something good to happen soon.
35 hours ago I woke up fully expecting to be sitting in Kuwait at this very moment waiting for my passport to return so I could go to my hotel and wait for my commercial flight out of the country. I passed on getting the military equivalent of a reservation because the flight we take is pretty empty leaving here and it’s usually not a problem to get on. Needless to say I was happy as a clam.
6 hours later I came into work to check the flights, which are released daily due to security reasons. The flight we normally take wasn’t there, the same flight that just a week ago someone took to get here! My heart sunk as I called the flight line to verify that what I was reading was correct. My hope only dwindled more after speaking with them and learning that it wasn’t a typo, but the flight really wasn’t coming. He suggested I check back later that evening to make sure nothing had changed.
11 hours ago I was driving over to the flight line to check on the flights again. To my great surprise I saw the flight I wanted to take, the golden egg! I spoke with one of the soldiers and was told to come back in 5 hours. It was the best news I had gotten so far! I was happy as a clam again.
5 hours later I sat in the terminal, listening to my iPod, so excited that things were working out. Then one of the soldiers came out to update the Weather Status, which was green. He pulled the green indicator down and put up a red indicator. My hope faded fast as he walked off. I got up and walked outside, sure enough visibility was very low. My heart sunk more.
After sitting in the terminal for 3 hours waiting for the flight, one of the soldiers walked out and gave us the worst news any of us could ever want to hear. The flight was cancelled. For the next 20 minutes I stood there, staring at the flight schedule, hoping that something would change. I was distraught, I paced around a bit and finally broke down and tried to call our site for a ride. No one answered, so to add insult to injury I walked two miles with my bags back. This helped to tire me out, otherwise I’m sure I’d have been in some sort of rage.
Now I’m sitting here, still not sure what happened, trying to figure out how to feel or what to think. I can feel the anger bubbling within me with the complete lack of control over my situation acting as a catalyst to further stoke the fire. Plan A is to attempt to get out tomorrow, but that’s a slim hope and if I do get out tomorrow getting on my scheduled flight will also be a slim hope. I need something good to happen soon.
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