2-Fer

Right now, given my situation, I’m a bit of a mess. Sometimes writing things down helps me to gather my thoughts and make more sense of them. My last post was more of an “I better put this in writing before I hurt someone” post, but this one will be an “I better get things into perspective” post. I’m sure if you read my blog you’re probably interested in me, so I’ll assume you have a general idea of what’s going on.

I have a need to control my situation and when I don’t feel like I have control I get extremely depressed and excessively stressed. This current situation is an example of me not having any control over what happens with my future.

My desire to control my future is only trumped by my strong aversion toward disappointing others. I hate when people go out of their way to help me and then have me turn around and fail them.

My friends went out of their way to help me in two ways. One of them planned a welcoming home party for me and invited people they realized I knew, but they didn’t know. They opened their home to complete strangers because they wanted to make a big deal of my return. I don’t remember the last time I was so excited for something.

Another friend went out of his way to put in a good word with his manager so that I’d get an interview. At first the hiring manager was going to throw my resume out of the pile because I was out of the country but was convinced not to. That manager had to go to a director to work out the logistics of getting me in for that interview.

My two worst fears, lack of control and failing others, are weighing heavily on my shoulders. I’m beginning to accept that my welcoming home party isn’t going to happen. I’ll not only have disappointed the organizers of the party, but those who were attending. The interview is just on the horizon and I’m not sure when I’ll be able to get off this base so I’ll probably miss that. I’ll not only have disappointed my friend but also the manager and probably the director.

This actually turned out to be less of an “I better get things into perspective” and more an “I’m kind of depressed now” post.